Tuesday, March 2, 2010

No, We Don't Want It, But Thanks For Asking

In this first piece, we have a woman, let's call her Jane Plainface. She is telling the tale of how she was amazed to learn things while researching for this article she was asked to write.

What is the article you ask. Well, let me tell you, it is all about organization. Now, I for one don't understand how you really research and prepare for writing an article on organization. You either are or you aren't. My guess is that Jane here isn't organized, hence why she had to research about it.

Minus 1 point for the staff that hires the writers.

Jane then goes on to discover something groundbreaking. Apparently, there are places where you can go and donate all the things in your house that you don't want anymore. CAN YOU IMAGINE SUCH A PLACE?!?

You know what they should do...they should take all that stuff that people donate, and turn it into a type of store, and you can come in and buy all of it at a fraction of the price.

What?
Wait...
Are you telling me that these stores ALREADY EXIST?!?!

A thrift store you say...a Salvation Army, a Goodwill, an Out of the Closet (depending on your location). ARE YOU TELLING ME ALL THE STUFF IN THOSE STORES IS USED?? IT CAME FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE?? THEY DON'T WANT THIS POLYESTER DRESS WITH KETCHUP STAINS ANYMORE?!?!?

Jane, get a fucking clue. Leave your house. Even I know about thrift stores, and I never leave the house.

But wait, Jane isn't a dummy. She didn't hear about this new age idea of donating things you don't use (your orb ball, that thigh master, the macaroni owl art) and not act on it - HEAVENS NO. In fact, quite the opposite happened. She became "inspired" to go to her apartment and gather her stuff and donate it, and she discovered that not only did it make her feel good, but she found it was easy to do.

So what Jane is telling you here, is not only is she generous, but she is non-materialistic. She had childhood ties to that macaroni owl, but she figured she could score double by donating it as art and food for the less fortunate.

Bravo Jane. You are a Saint!

But hang on kids, Jane's lessons of morals doesn't stop at donating shit laying around her apartment - it goes one step further - and hang onto your Snuggies TM cause this one is going to blow your fucking mind!

Jane now vows to be a greenator. What is a greenator you ask. Well it is someone that not only donates their stuff but recycles too! That's right. She has personally stated that never again will she throw something away unless she checks to see if it can be donated or recycled.

In conclusion, I have deducted that Jane has been living under a fucking rock that was under a rock that was under a house that was owned by a hoarder. For her to just be discovering the act of donation is sad.

In case you are wondering, I have been donating to thrift stores and/or the Goodwill for virtually my entire life. At first it was indirectly, I grew out of toys, clothing and book and my mother handed them on. But eventually, around the age of 15, I not only shopped at thrift stores, but donated to them regularly, to the point where I had to space out my donating time and my shopping time, because I was seeing items I donated for sale. To this day, I still donate and shop thrift store and Goodwill (even though it is a bit more expensive).

Jane wins more points of disappointment with her new found interest/discover of recycling. Has your head been up your ass your entire life? Have you recently moved to Earth from planet Fucktard? How do you not know that recycling is, if anything, a trend these days? Recycling is enforced by cities nation wide - world wide. You can't even spit on the street legally in Canada, THERE ARE SIGNS! And the Prius - how do you not notice people shoving their Prius in your face. A Prius owner LOVES to tell you about their Prius and how "green" and silent it is.

Just to even the score, Jane, not only have I one upped you on my thrifty-ness, but I am throwing you through the roof with my recycling-ness. I hail from the great state of Michigan, where we are no fools. 10 cents for EVERY pop can, beer bottle and plastic 2 liter recycled. I managed to drive myself to college every day for 6 year on recycling alone. I often drank pop just to get money (you're welcome Coca-Cola). You had the party at your house so you could collect all the empty beer cans and cash in. My sister who lived in Tennessee used to pack up the car and drive 8 hours just to make the cash return. It's illegal, but so is being an irresponsible human!

So Jane - what do you have to say for yourself. Oh, nothing, cause I just googled your ass and on your website under bio it says "coming soon".

You may not know about yourself, but I know you Jane, and I have only one thing to say to you:

Jane, PUH-LEEZE.