Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Never Again, But Probably Tomorrow

Today we are going to talk about feeling sorry for ourselves.

This happens all the time, especially in "these economic times". Sometimes the world hands you lemons, and you really want lemonade, but instead the lemons sit there and rot and get fat and depressed and you blame everyone else for it, when the truth was, you were the one who wanted that lemonade the most.

To further illustrate just what it is I am talking about, let's go directly to the source of two different women, feeling equally bad for themselves, and their brave and life changing realization of how to make their lives better.

Debbie and Marlene have never met. Debbie lives on an unspecified coast of the United States and Marlene lives in the Great White North. These women have never met and are most likely very different. What they do share is a self-loathing pit in their subconscious and the want to make themselves better humans. They are also similar in the fact that they both found the same way to abolish that nasty little voice in their brain.

Enter Julia Smith (obviously not her real name). Julia has something to gripe about. She was attacked and severely disfigured by a chimp. The chimp ripped off her nose, mouth, eye and hands. This is what she looks like:

Debbie read about Julia Smith here and vowed that she didn't think she could ever feel sorry for herself ever again.

Marlene felt a bit more of a connection, as she was able to relate it back to her life. See, Marlene wanted to lose weight and instead gained 7 pounds! But don't worry people. She is taking what happened to Julia here as her motivation to lose that weight. That's right. Start polishing that Nobel Peace Price, cause Marlene here is gonna take it home; right after she loses that 7 pounds.

Let's face it, these women are going to feel bad for themselves time and time again for the remainder of their life. This is not to say that they are not going to think of Julia and try to feel less sorry for themselves, but the truth is they will feel for themselves. Plus, the world is a depressing place. Did these women really never take any other human into consideration prior to this chimp attack? The homeless in America/Canada. The starving and struggling nations of Africa. The thousands of people who were struggling to survive Hurricane Katrina. Does anyone remember 9/11, cause you said you'd never forget.

Horrible things happen in the world on a second to second basis. You see it happen, you react, and sadly, you get over it and go back to whining over the fact that you only have an iPod Video and not an iPod Touch, especially in America. This is how we roll.

Listen up Debbie and Marlene, it is adorable that the two of you have taken one woman's real tragedy and are trying to use it as your mantra to live a better life, but in the words of Kevin Bacon, Get Serious. You don't need the tragedy of a complete stranger to make you motivated or to make you feel less sorry for yourself. Gather some fucking self respect and self motivation and accept the fact that you gained that weight and all you need is your own discomfort and motivation to not eat that doughnut and take a walk around the block once in a while. Don't make Julia Smith your martyr - she didn't die for you to lose weight or to feel sorry for yourself, fuck, she didn't even die.

I'll end with two bits of advice for Debbie and Marlene:
1. research your planet and the people who live on it. Believe it or not, there are people that have it worse than Julia.
2. Grow a pair and be your own worse enemy. There are going to be a thousand more Julia's and let's not make their lives pitiful by using them as a catalyst to Martha Stewart your life.

Debbie and Marlene - PUH-leeze!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

No, We Don't Want It, But Thanks For Asking

In this first piece, we have a woman, let's call her Jane Plainface. She is telling the tale of how she was amazed to learn things while researching for this article she was asked to write.

What is the article you ask. Well, let me tell you, it is all about organization. Now, I for one don't understand how you really research and prepare for writing an article on organization. You either are or you aren't. My guess is that Jane here isn't organized, hence why she had to research about it.

Minus 1 point for the staff that hires the writers.

Jane then goes on to discover something groundbreaking. Apparently, there are places where you can go and donate all the things in your house that you don't want anymore. CAN YOU IMAGINE SUCH A PLACE?!?

You know what they should do...they should take all that stuff that people donate, and turn it into a type of store, and you can come in and buy all of it at a fraction of the price.

Are you telling me that these stores ALREADY EXIST?!?!

A thrift store you say...a Salvation Army, a Goodwill, an Out of the Closet (depending on your location). ARE YOU TELLING ME ALL THE STUFF IN THOSE STORES IS USED?? IT CAME FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE?? THEY DON'T WANT THIS POLYESTER DRESS WITH KETCHUP STAINS ANYMORE?!?!?

Jane, get a fucking clue. Leave your house. Even I know about thrift stores, and I never leave the house.

But wait, Jane isn't a dummy. She didn't hear about this new age idea of donating things you don't use (your orb ball, that thigh master, the macaroni owl art) and not act on it - HEAVENS NO. In fact, quite the opposite happened. She became "inspired" to go to her apartment and gather her stuff and donate it, and she discovered that not only did it make her feel good, but she found it was easy to do.

So what Jane is telling you here, is not only is she generous, but she is non-materialistic. She had childhood ties to that macaroni owl, but she figured she could score double by donating it as art and food for the less fortunate.

Bravo Jane. You are a Saint!

But hang on kids, Jane's lessons of morals doesn't stop at donating shit laying around her apartment - it goes one step further - and hang onto your Snuggies TM cause this one is going to blow your fucking mind!

Jane now vows to be a greenator. What is a greenator you ask. Well it is someone that not only donates their stuff but recycles too! That's right. She has personally stated that never again will she throw something away unless she checks to see if it can be donated or recycled.

In conclusion, I have deducted that Jane has been living under a fucking rock that was under a rock that was under a house that was owned by a hoarder. For her to just be discovering the act of donation is sad.

In case you are wondering, I have been donating to thrift stores and/or the Goodwill for virtually my entire life. At first it was indirectly, I grew out of toys, clothing and book and my mother handed them on. But eventually, around the age of 15, I not only shopped at thrift stores, but donated to them regularly, to the point where I had to space out my donating time and my shopping time, because I was seeing items I donated for sale. To this day, I still donate and shop thrift store and Goodwill (even though it is a bit more expensive).

Jane wins more points of disappointment with her new found interest/discover of recycling. Has your head been up your ass your entire life? Have you recently moved to Earth from planet Fucktard? How do you not know that recycling is, if anything, a trend these days? Recycling is enforced by cities nation wide - world wide. You can't even spit on the street legally in Canada, THERE ARE SIGNS! And the Prius - how do you not notice people shoving their Prius in your face. A Prius owner LOVES to tell you about their Prius and how "green" and silent it is.

Just to even the score, Jane, not only have I one upped you on my thrifty-ness, but I am throwing you through the roof with my recycling-ness. I hail from the great state of Michigan, where we are no fools. 10 cents for EVERY pop can, beer bottle and plastic 2 liter recycled. I managed to drive myself to college every day for 6 year on recycling alone. I often drank pop just to get money (you're welcome Coca-Cola). You had the party at your house so you could collect all the empty beer cans and cash in. My sister who lived in Tennessee used to pack up the car and drive 8 hours just to make the cash return. It's illegal, but so is being an irresponsible human!

So Jane - what do you have to say for yourself. Oh, nothing, cause I just googled your ass and on your website under bio it says "coming soon".

You may not know about yourself, but I know you Jane, and I have only one thing to say to you: